Don't speak ill of the dead

What a bizarre phrase that is banded about sometimes when people are talking disrespectfully about those who are no longer with us on earth.  Although it’s often the case, at funerals especially, that the departed are remembered with love and affection by those who knew and loved them.  Having been to a funeral recently it got me thinking.  Why are some of the loveliest things that are said about us spoken when we aren’t even there?  Surely it’s not right that we wait until a loved one leaves us to say kind things, make positive observations or offer words of encouragement.  I wonder if it’s that we’re all just a bit too British.  But actually it’s not even about our own emotions, it’s just expressing an observation about someone in a positive way.  Why are we afraid to do this on a regular basis?  Why are these kind words saved for a special birthday card, or wedding day speeches?  Perhaps it’s because we are shy, or fear the compliment won’t be reciprocated, or maybe we are doing it for their own good by protecting their pride from becoming unmanageable!  But actually those excuses aren’t good enough, in my opinion, to prevent spreading some good feeling and encouragement. 

During the summer I was at the park with my children and a young boy who we didn’t know was playing with them and following them around.  He was absolutely adorable and was very thoughtful and attentive to my 1 year old especially.  I decided that I needed to share this with his mum, who was chatting to her older children on the park bench.  As I approached, asking “is this your son?” she replied with a tentative “yes” so full of nerves she was already making her apologies.  But when I started saying how lovely and delightful he was she was thrilled.  I had so much pleasure in praising the boy in front of his mum and siblings for being so kind and she was so grateful I had taken the time to go to speak to her.  We discussed that all too often people only comment on negative behaviour, for children as well as adults.  So when somebody behaves in a positive way and are ‘called up on it’ people are often weary that in fact they have inadvertently offended someone instead. 

Isn’t it about time that people’s initial reactions about interactions with strangers, and of course those we know and love, are happy and joyful experiences for both parties?  I mentioned before that some people fear calling out the good in others because they worry that it won’t be noticed in them but I guarantee that if we start to change our culture, one by one, breaking down people’s barriers to compliments then someone will eventually notice all the good that you are doing, and the joy that you are bringing by having the courage to speak it out.

There may be some people in your lives that hurt you more than they bring joy but I’m almost certain there can be something good to see in them?  And the strangest thing starts to happen when we look for the good, it starts to eat up the dark and the pain.  It can often take a bigger step to adjust your way of thinking about someone, and focus on their good attributes.  Sometimes it’s even easier to remain holding on to the bad things they’ve done, or to focus on their faults because we have convinced ourselves that’s a safer place to be.  But I promise you it’s not.  It’s so much more freeing to live life looking at people with love and encouragement.  And believe me, I know this isn’t always the easiest thing to do but it certainly brings more freedom and personal joy.

So, a little challenge…Write a list of 5 people who are important to you.  What would life be like without them?  What do they mean to you?  Essentially, without being morbid, think about how would you sum them up in a Euology.  Don’t focus on ‘you don’t, you haven’t, you can’t’ but instead find the light in them.  Call out of them the love, the care and the compassion that is somewhere inside them, no matter how deep you think it’s been buried.  And perhaps one day you could say it to them, or write it to them and let them know.  I for one always love to receive compliments, positive observations and comments about my character which are encouraging.  What will people be saying about you when you’re not here?  I think I’d rather know now!