“It’s not what they said; it was the way they said it.”

The more I’ve been reflecting on relationships and interaction the more I’ve realised this clichéd phrase actually has a huge amount of truth wrapped up in it.  Language is so important but so too is how it is delivered.  If I’m telling my daughter I’m proud of her for reaching the top of the climbing wall (for another time!) in a tiresome or monotonous tone then what will she hear?  The tone of our voices is so important when we share our feelings because ultimately our feelings will be shared in how we say things and not just what is said.  When I snap ‘thank you’ at my son for eventually doing what he’s been asked a 100 times already then am I showing genuine gratitude or is thanks not really the underlying emotion I want to convey?!  

As my patience has been tested the past week with many changes going on around us I’ve been reminded that words themselves are meaningless unless we REALLY mean them.  For some people, those who are more reflective among us, it is easier to think before speak and one would hope that with thought comes genuine communication.  I used to often be told off as a surly teenager for my ‘tone of voice’ and now I realise just how true that is.  My emotions would cut through my actual words and give away the fact that what I was saying, despite the words being chosen well, meant nothing or sometimes took on a different meaning because of how I said them!

More recently I have noticed that as a teacher with different students.  Two of them could exactly the same thing but they would mean very different things because of how they were said.  Having taught teenagers and realised the need for good voice projection to a hall of 300 of them I have often analysed how and when to use that kind of tone with my own children.  It comes naturally to me to raise my voice if rules are broken or danger is imminent and I have previously given myself a hard time that I am perhaps too ‘harsh’.  It is important to point out here that I do not agree with constant shouting and meaningless hollers of “no” across the room, but I do think it is sometimes appropriate to voice shock and displeasure in telling children off.  And by voice I mean it has to sound shocked and displeased.  Rather than a calm and gentle ‘we don’t bite our friends because that’s not kind’ there needs to be a parental reaction in line with the behaviour to emphasise this as unacceptable behaviour.  Of course it’s important to gently remind our children that ‘we don’t bite our friends because that’s not kind’ and to communicate this information in a gentle and loving way but the initial action from the parent needs to be firm and different from the calm chat that could follow after.  Disciplining does not discount love.  In fact, I believe, discipline shows love.  If I do not teach my children the most appropriate ways to behave in different social situations then I have let them down and am ultimately letting down the rest of society by not preparing them for future social interactions.    

It’s so important that in adult conversations we choose our words wisely and in a way that conveys our honest emotions.  It’s not always easy; in the busyness of life, in a traditionally ‘stiff upper lip’ society, in a world where we dare not offend, to be truly honest.  And as soon as I write that I know people will object.  Why should you get to be honest and hurt my feelings, why should you be able to share your hurt and anger if it then upsets me?  But surely if our expressions and the way we choose to share is done from the starting point of love then both parties win.  If I start from the point of loving you and respecting you then I am always thinking about you as well as my own feelings.  Words have such power but it’s important to remember HOW we use say them too.  I’ve had to teach my daughter that letting out a big sigh and whine when opening a present that she already has could cause offence and portray ingratitude to the giver of the gift.  I have had to teach her how to convey the disappointment of having a doubled up present in a loving way, and remind her how fortunate she was to get a gift in the first place!  I hope that her tone of voice still indicates gratitude and love in how she responds.  Often, I have to remind myself how I speak to truth in love, and weigh up if certain things need to be communicated. 

Ultimately it’s about keeping love and the centre of all my intentions and decisions.  If my truth is spoken with words or love, if its end goal is to maintain a genuinely encouraging relationship then I will share it.  Will I scream it, bitch it or be sarcastic about it?  Sometimes, maybe.  But then I have failed to be loving in every form of communication.  So when I do have to raise my voice at my children, or tell a friend that they have hurt me I will endeavour to love them, put their feelings alongside mine and be open to reciprocal communication.  After all, it’s not always just about what we say, it’s also about HOW we say it too.