Don't Hold On, Start Being Held
I saw this quoted by a friend the other day and, although I love the sentiment behind it, I cannot reconcile the transition between the holding on (I mean really clinging on, clenching so tightly and gasping for breath because if you let go you may break, or dissolve or just fade away) and 'just' being held. Just to be held. This requires letting go of what you are carrying. It requires you to trust in the holder/s. It means to let go of some control. The difference between the old me and the temporary me is that I used to be the one doing the holding. I loved being in community where favours are asked of each other and lives are woven together with interdependence. I still have to hold on in some respects; as mother, wife, homemaker, employee. But these past six months have been some of the most difficult I've faced and I've felt unable either to hold on any longer, or to reach out and be held. The pit of darkness I've been lying at the bottom of has been a difficult environment to adapt to, and quite frankly one that was only ever going to be very temporary when I found out where I was. Except that temporary is turning out to be longer than I initially assumed.
Being diagnosed with depression isn't something you expect when you're happily married, have two beautiful healthy children, amazing family and friends around, a secure income and a roof over your head. Not AT ALL. It came out the blue and I just knew something in me wasn't right. Despite outward appearances of 'the good life' I was unable to 'find my joy'. I knew I had plenty of things to be joyful for, yet this only exacerbated my feelings of guilt because comparatively what did I really have to be down about? But that's the thing with depression it's not a case of being down, feeling blue or having had a rough day. It is literally not being able to see the wood for the trees, feeling so weighed down by a sense of failure and anxiety that it sometimes feels too much to even breathe. To sleep and hide away seem like much safer options.
I would've counted myself as a positive person, someone who loves to be around people and who thrived off the buzz of a busy life. But more recently I have felt uneasy around people, wanting to hibernate and have experienced panic attacks when looking around at the seeming enormity of the things going on in my life. And the thing that surprises me most is that there are SO many people who are battling with the same feelings. When did busy become a sign of success? When did society deem it socially acceptable to squeeze so much into exactly the same hours of the day as 30 years ago? Answering work emails whilst washing the dishes, writing to do lists whilst plaiting your daughter's hair; the list of multitasking could go on. And not that that's in and of itself a bad thing, technology has brought us many benefits; but at what cost? To those who see juggling as a sign of strength have been lucky enough to never be faced with such a sense of utter exhaustion and overwhelming feelings that cannot be 'overridden' with any sensible thought processes. That's the thing with depression, it is absolutely senseless. We need to stop the glorification of busy. It's time to start acknowledging that this lifestyle isn't healthy. It's time to start reconnecting on a real level with people and not reduce communication to a 'like' button on Facebook. When was the last time you spoke to someone about how you're really feeling? When did you last ask your friends how they are? No, I mean REALLY are and were you prepared to respond with time and love to their response?
Depression isn't something I've chosen. It's not (and I used to be guilty of this myself!) saying to someone; "cheer up it could be worse", or "you can chose to be happy". I've had times in my life when I knew all I needed was a kick up the backside but this is so different. It's different because even after a pep talk to myself I actually feel worse because I can't change the inner most thoughts of my being. Believe me I'm bored of myself feeling like this, I Wish I didn't. And the real sadness is that I've had some lovely times recently with family and friends yet still cannot reconcile the complete and utter emptiness I feel afterwards. Which only makes me more annoyed and short tempered because I'm now so frustrated with how I feel. I know this is a temporary season, i just wish I knew how temporary. There are days when I feel like my old self but they are bitter sweet when things come crashing down around you again for seemingly no reason. So I apologise to all those people out there who I know and love, those who have bore the brunt of my snappiness and glum mood. I really don't want to feel like this, trust me. But please no platitudes of 'cheer up' and 'at least you don't live in x..', or 'at least you have y....'. I know they're intended to help but they don't because like I've said they actually make me feel worse! So please be patient, tell me you love me, encourage me and offer practical help. Please?? I guess this is a step closer to being ready to be held...?
I've had some amazing support from those closest to me but I wanted to speak out and break the silence. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends and family, from many different walks of life and I wanted to say this to let you know that's it's just been plain hard. It's nothing anyone's done, or not done. I know some people don't always feel comfortable sharing or are less fortunate with the support around them but please know it will get better. It has to. The promise of a God who doesn't lie is that "the nights of crying your eyes out, give way to days of laughter" Psalm 30:5 (MSG). I am hoping and trusting in those days of laughter, even though I may cry now I know the laughter is coming. I have to believe that the laughter is coming even if I don't know when. And I know that for every winter there follows a spring, for every night there follows morning and that even when the clouds are all around the sun is still shining...somewhere. I don't know how long this winter night will last but I'm really looking forward to the day when the flowers bloom and the sun starts to warm my face again. I hope you will notice when the laughter comes, and be around to share in it too. In the meantime please be patient as I learn how to live in the cold darkness, and maybe once in a while you could share your loving warmth with me too.
Being diagnosed with depression isn't something you expect when you're happily married, have two beautiful healthy children, amazing family and friends around, a secure income and a roof over your head. Not AT ALL. It came out the blue and I just knew something in me wasn't right. Despite outward appearances of 'the good life' I was unable to 'find my joy'. I knew I had plenty of things to be joyful for, yet this only exacerbated my feelings of guilt because comparatively what did I really have to be down about? But that's the thing with depression it's not a case of being down, feeling blue or having had a rough day. It is literally not being able to see the wood for the trees, feeling so weighed down by a sense of failure and anxiety that it sometimes feels too much to even breathe. To sleep and hide away seem like much safer options.
I would've counted myself as a positive person, someone who loves to be around people and who thrived off the buzz of a busy life. But more recently I have felt uneasy around people, wanting to hibernate and have experienced panic attacks when looking around at the seeming enormity of the things going on in my life. And the thing that surprises me most is that there are SO many people who are battling with the same feelings. When did busy become a sign of success? When did society deem it socially acceptable to squeeze so much into exactly the same hours of the day as 30 years ago? Answering work emails whilst washing the dishes, writing to do lists whilst plaiting your daughter's hair; the list of multitasking could go on. And not that that's in and of itself a bad thing, technology has brought us many benefits; but at what cost? To those who see juggling as a sign of strength have been lucky enough to never be faced with such a sense of utter exhaustion and overwhelming feelings that cannot be 'overridden' with any sensible thought processes. That's the thing with depression, it is absolutely senseless. We need to stop the glorification of busy. It's time to start acknowledging that this lifestyle isn't healthy. It's time to start reconnecting on a real level with people and not reduce communication to a 'like' button on Facebook. When was the last time you spoke to someone about how you're really feeling? When did you last ask your friends how they are? No, I mean REALLY are and were you prepared to respond with time and love to their response?
Depression isn't something I've chosen. It's not (and I used to be guilty of this myself!) saying to someone; "cheer up it could be worse", or "you can chose to be happy". I've had times in my life when I knew all I needed was a kick up the backside but this is so different. It's different because even after a pep talk to myself I actually feel worse because I can't change the inner most thoughts of my being. Believe me I'm bored of myself feeling like this, I Wish I didn't. And the real sadness is that I've had some lovely times recently with family and friends yet still cannot reconcile the complete and utter emptiness I feel afterwards. Which only makes me more annoyed and short tempered because I'm now so frustrated with how I feel. I know this is a temporary season, i just wish I knew how temporary. There are days when I feel like my old self but they are bitter sweet when things come crashing down around you again for seemingly no reason. So I apologise to all those people out there who I know and love, those who have bore the brunt of my snappiness and glum mood. I really don't want to feel like this, trust me. But please no platitudes of 'cheer up' and 'at least you don't live in x..', or 'at least you have y....'. I know they're intended to help but they don't because like I've said they actually make me feel worse! So please be patient, tell me you love me, encourage me and offer practical help. Please?? I guess this is a step closer to being ready to be held...?
I've had some amazing support from those closest to me but I wanted to speak out and break the silence. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends and family, from many different walks of life and I wanted to say this to let you know that's it's just been plain hard. It's nothing anyone's done, or not done. I know some people don't always feel comfortable sharing or are less fortunate with the support around them but please know it will get better. It has to. The promise of a God who doesn't lie is that "the nights of crying your eyes out, give way to days of laughter" Psalm 30:5 (MSG). I am hoping and trusting in those days of laughter, even though I may cry now I know the laughter is coming. I have to believe that the laughter is coming even if I don't know when. And I know that for every winter there follows a spring, for every night there follows morning and that even when the clouds are all around the sun is still shining...somewhere. I don't know how long this winter night will last but I'm really looking forward to the day when the flowers bloom and the sun starts to warm my face again. I hope you will notice when the laughter comes, and be around to share in it too. In the meantime please be patient as I learn how to live in the cold darkness, and maybe once in a while you could share your loving warmth with me too.
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