Stop! Before Someone gets hurt…

There it was echoing in the room, that classic parenting cliche of “Stop, before someone gets hurt”.  As the words left my mouth, and I smiled wryly to myself at the irony that in some way, at some point, we all end up saying those things we never thought we’d say, I realised that there was a really good life lesson hidden in that phrase.  Usually parents speak these words into a situation where children are escalating their scale of interaction, usually of the physical variety, and the parent’s experience can see it going down the route of probable pain unless boundaries are implemented.  Which got me thinking about the fact that the closer we get to someone the more we expose ourselves to the potential of relational pain.  When we become vulnerable and show more of ourselves to another we give something of ourselves away, communicating that we trust the other person with knowledge of something new, deep and more personal.  As children play more with each they become more comfortable and will often push physical boundaries that can sometimes lead to physical pain.  You won’t often see adults wrestling on the sofa but I realised that we do this in a way with our hearts every time we invite someone else to know something more about our lives.  The laughter and joy that often precedes these moments of pain can be mirrored in our adult relationships as we experience the highs of connecting with someone relationally, finding common ground and starting to go deeper in our mutual friendship.

In this way we all have a choice about how far we go before someone gets hurt.  At any moment I can choose to distance myself and implement boundaries in my relationships in order to keep myself safe and pain-free.  And of course there are times when boundaries are healthy and wise for relationships in recognising that not everybody can have the same level of access to my heart.  BUT I believe at our core we were made to know and be known.  Ultimately my personal belief is that the deep heart longing for pure intimacy comes from a relationship with our Heavenly Father and He is the only one who can satisfy that inbuilt desire for connection.  The best part about His love for us is that it is purely unconditional and never changes.  But I also believe that He intended for us to live in community where those kind of relationships are the norm and to be encouraged as well as expected.  The thing about this kind of love is that when we are secure in His perfect love for us we can start to show the same kind of love to others.  We can start pursuing connection even when there has been pain because we recognise that if we are loved with a love that never gives up on us then we don’t have the right to pick and choose were we show love.  Obviously this doesn’t mean we grant the same kind of relational access for everyone we meet, but more broadly an unconditional, non-judgemental kindness extended to all whose paths we cross.  How often are we too busy to engage in conversation with the cashier, or to step out of our comfort zone just to smile at someone waiting at the bus stop?  When we know His love for us we will be much more inclined to display His love for everyone else.

The reality is that relationships can be painful.  But they can also be hugely life giving and affirming.  Think of your favourite memories, most of them will involve others with whom you shared the experience with.  We weren’t ever made to exist in isolation.  As Jon Bon Jovi said “no man is an island” [About A Boy]. We were born for community, to reflect the perfect unified community of the Trinity.  Often, and usually through our own insecurities, we mess up.  We let people down.  I’ve let people down.  It will happen, more often than not unintentionally, but it’s how we choose to respond to these messes that give us a chance to demonstrate the true values of the Kingdom.  If I am building connection with someone, growing closer but then decide to stop moving towards them before I get hurt it’s worth looking at the reason behind that decision to withdraw.  Am I living from a place of fear of the potential for pain in my life or is it wise to keep some people at arm’s length?  And if I’ve decided that a firmer boundary is healthy then have I been clear about why and made my expectations known in a helpful way?  None of which gives me the right to stop loving them, to show them value & honour, and see them with God’s eyes.  

I think the bottom line is what we do when relationships cause pain - in either direction - that is the trickiest path to walk.  The way I respond is entirely my responsibility and neither am I responsible for your behaviour.  These are extremely helpful lessons to remember!  But in situations where relationships have gone to a place of pain, for whatever reason, my choices remain the same; will I walk away hurting or will I pursue connection with you and trust that we can commit to protecting a healthy relationship?  Often the first option is easiest and in this age of disposability it’s usually the preferred choice.  I have some lovely friends who I don’t feel I know well because they carry such a deep pain from relational breakdown that their history prevents them from even wanting to pursue intimacy with others.  Not only am I missing out on knowing them but they’re missing out on the opportunity to share their heart with me.  When we can get to a place in relationships where we can be vulnerable, showing our failings, admitting to our flaws and still trust that we will be accepted and loved I believe we are beginning to reflect the heart of the trinity, the desires of the Father to know and be known.  He wants a real relationship with us, he wants us to be able to reflect the depth of that relationship with others.  Again, it’s not wise to have a “warts ’n’ all” relationship with everyone but consider if there are people in your life who know, not just the highlights but, the things you’d rather keep hidden?!  Social media allows people to edit and cherry pick what other’s see so it can be easy to take this approach into our relationships.  But it’s absolutely vital to have significant relationships in your life where someone has seen the yucky stuff, all the junk, and is still willing to say ‘I love you and choose you’.  Pursuing connection is critical because often the messy stuff allows shame to creep in and when we feel ashamed we want to hide.  Thought processes race from ‘oh I messed up, no-one will want to even talk to me let alone be friends with me if they knew x, y or z about me, I’ll hide that away because it makes me unlovable”.  But there’s something beautiful about unconditional love, it doesn’t require us to change or work for it.  It is patient, it is kind.  And we can only show that to others when we’ve experienced it for ourselves.  

So if there are friendships in your life that are experiencing disconnect I’d urge you to consider why.  Is the root of the problem driven by fear, or possibly unforgiveness?  Am I scared that you will cause me pain, am I scared of rejection?  Or have you already caused me pain and I’m unwilling or too fearful to explore that with you?  Am I scared that if I expose my mess you will withdraw?  Or have I reacted in a way, when mess has been exposed to me, that has not displayed the gracious and merciful love that God shows to me?  It’s crucial that we ourselves experience the perfect love of the Father, out of which we have the security to pursue connection with those relationships were there may be unresolved with pain.  Ultimately it comes down to helpful, clear and healthy communication reminding ourselves that everyone has the same value, everyone has the same access to the Father, and if they’re having trouble accepting or expressing this love in their lives they probably need more of it, not less! Reach out to that difficult co-worker, to the grumpy looking waitress or to the driver who just cut you up on the road.  Clear the air with a friend who you’ve been thinking about but haven’t messaged because it’s ‘their turn’ to initiate contact.  Let’s look for more chances to show God’s perfect and unconditional love.  Let’s take the opportunity to fight for connection rather than abandon relationships through fear.  After all perfect love casts out ALL fear.  I have no reason to live in fear when I know my Father loves me fully, wholly and completely… even on those days when I’ve snapped at my children as they wrestle on the sofa “Stop, before someone gets hurt”!