Suffocate Shame by Sharing Stories

Wow!  This woman is just phenomenal. It’s the second book of Brené Brown’s that I’ve read this summer and her ability to cut through the crap by speaking such truth about the fundamentals in relationships is phenomenal.  

She is identifying relational tools using accessible language, which is so encouraging because I feel like it’s stuff I’ve believed myself for a while and tried to fight for in my own relationships.  Her ability to explain the concepts of shame, vulnerability and worthiness are absolutely crucial in a world where, despite increased social media interaction, we are becoming more and more DISconnected with others and community.  

The core value that we were created for connection, to know and be known, is something I’ve been pondering on for a few years now and I’m so excited that it’s becoming more a part of mainstream conversation.  

If you are a leader, employee, parent, partner or a general human being having any kind of relationship with others then this stuff is for you.  I guarantee it will change the way you approach relationships, for the better!  It also helps with identifying personal struggles by using brilliant strategies to move forward, rather than just naval gazing.  

Writing on SHAME, this excerpt helps explain the critical need for loving relationships and community networks that help us deal with the crippling feeling shame can bring.  “Shame is the intensely painful feeling of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”.  And the stark reality is is that we ALL experience shame at some point, and in some degree or another.  Shame is universal and one of our most primitive emotions.  The other important thing to note is that we are all flawed and once we recognise that our flaws aren’t (or at least shouldn’t be) an inhibiting factor to our worthiness to receive love and feel belonging then we’re in a much healthier place to be vulnerable being more likely to benefit from true relational connection.  

What dawned on me recently was the realisation that if empathy is the best antidote to shame then we need to be in places where empathy is practiced and encouraged, as well as expected and modelled.  When shame is spoken out then we break its hold on us.  When we share our stories we allow the opportunity for connection.  Brené writes that “Empathy is connection; it’s a ladder out of the shame hole”.  When we connect with others we realise that we are not alone, it’s a reminder that we all face similar battles.  And then it struck me; there’s a huge difference between sympathy and empathy. Empathy is specifically connecting to the emotion that someone is feeling, not the actual event or circumstance they’re going through.  This is why it’s absolute vital that we are self aware enough to know what we feel within ourselves.  I recognised that someone close to me has, until recently, been unable to identify fully their emotions which caused a huge disconnection for us.  Now that they are able to assess what they’re feeling they can seek to use their own experiences to connect with me, whether they have experienced the exact same thing as me or not.  Everyone will have felt rejection, betrayal, grief or disappointment.  Regardless of whether it’s from a close friend, family member or work situation we could all relate to examples of when these emotions have been triggered within us.  The point of empathy is that I can show I understand how you feel, rather than sympathising which is basically just offering pity and reinforces disconnection & distance, not provide the enabling power that real empathetic connection brings. Sharing my story allows for the opportunity to connect with someone and in turn provides deeper opportunity for empathy to break the hold that shame has over us.

When we’re dealing with big traumas or even smaller disappointments it’s crucial to have those around you who will listen without judgement, seek to identify and provide a calm encouraging voice.  The biggest thing shame will do is try to keep you from speaking it out, it pushes you into hiding.  The lie it feeds is that if people really knew me they wouldn’t love me, let alone like me.  But the hilariously ironic thing is that those friends who have walked me through what’s been my hardest year yet know all of me and are still here standing by my side.  They have each, independently, verbalised the exact same fear; that if they were really known then people would withdraw from them too.  How many people are stuck in this cycle of fear, too scared to share their deepest, darkest parts?  Worried that if other’s saw the warts that they would pull back.  It’s not enough to go through life being half known, to be admired from afar because people only see the highlights. I believe we were created for much more than that and for me it’s all about getting back to the garden.  Where I was born to be in a deeply intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, who knows all, sees all, and LOVES all of me!  When I’m confident of this I’m so much less scared about sharing my darkness with others.  His light covers over my darkness and I can be fully confident that I’m assured, fully accepted and without shame.  If He can love me, then what gives others the right to comment on my darkest parts. Of course I want to air them, bring them into the light, because living under their shadow is not healthy or wise.  But I can do this with full confidence knowing my place as a beloved child of God.  As I stand before Him, vulnerable and exposed, He covers me with his love which gives me confidence to share with others who have earned the right to hear my story.  I share with my closest, those I know who will seek to identify and connect with me, those who will affirm my sense of love and belonging, rather than withdraw in fear or point accusations serving only to increase disconnect.

So the question that follows is do you have people in your life who are your go-to people?  Who in the midst of your meltdown and shame onslaught are able to say “yeah me too”.  The key here too is that being vulnerable shouldn’t just be saved to a few significant relationships, it should be practiced as a daily ritual and accompany empathy in all our interactions.  Now I’m not saying we share our deepest darkest with the waitress in the coffee shop, or the guy at the check-out, but surely by approaching our encounter with these people with a level of empathy we will increase our chances of a positive interaction.  I want to be spoken of a someone who understood, someone who sought connection over being proved right, someone who was patient in my listening and had the ability to empathise with those around me, empowering them to rise up from their fall and have another go.  This is my standard of living.  It is hard when others don’t seem to believe in the same principles, and would rather seek to punish and ostracise when connection is broken.  But I will continue to uphold my values; that you are valuable, as am I; that we both deserve to be heard and are both worthy of love & belonging.  

Do you feel that sense of love and belonging?  Who are those around you who are speaking those things into your life?  If you don’t know or can’t name 3 people who know everything about you then I”d suggest taking some steps to being courageously vulnerable.  After all there can’t be a chicken-egg scenario… I’ll share if she shares…!  Because then no-one wins if we’re all sat there staring at our own hand of cards.  I only get to deeper connection when I bravely offer something of myself to others.  What steps will you take to be boldly authentic this week and to deepen connection?  Cast off those shame rags and step out into the freedom of speaking it out.  Share your stories with those trusted friends.  Suffocate the shame by speaking it out.  I guarantee you that others will have felt the same thing.